Everybody has ups and downs, right? Well this woman has a heck of a lot of ups and very few downs. It's been an awesome year. ;)
Yesterday I went to a doctor appointment and it was pretty emotional. Nothing bad, just emotional. Eye opening even. I must say talking to a professional about things in your life just may be the greatest thing, ever. I was so not looking forward to seeing a "quack" but as it turns out, I enjoy talking to her. I was suppose to go see her two times before going on with this LEAN program. Each session a 30 minute session. The last one was over an hour and yesterday an hour and 30 minutes. After yesterdays session she asked me, "Would you like to come see me again?" I said yes, quickly. I know that she knew I needed to work through some things. She has been a tremendous help to me. I will forever be thankful.
What I've learned is that I have an awesome, supporting, loving husband. Ok, I knew this before but I didn't know to what degree. I also have very loving and supportive offspring. I knew this as well. What I didn't know is that I need to 'let' them love and support me without questioning it or feeling like I don't deserve it. Because guess what, I do! I won't bore anyone with all the details of what I've learned about myself and about the people I treasure most in my life. But let me say this; Beau, my knuckleheads and myself freakin' rock.
I also learned that I need to cut some people out of my life. {I was about to type "Sadly" but in fact, it's not sad at all.} For years now I've kept people in my life that only brought me heartache, stress, drama and unwanted crap. Why? Because I am a loyal person and though I want loyalty back from the said people, I can't make that happen. They had chances out the ying-yang to be a loyal, loving, trustful, reliable and most importantly...'always there' kind of person to me. I don't want OR need anyone in my life that isn't there every day. {I don't mean physically.}
As I was talking to my doctor I realized I don't have friends, I have acquaintances. {Definition: A person whom one knows.} What a realization, it brought tears to my eyes. Honestly it's a relief. I don't have to try to keep these so called friendships because I think it's the right thing to do or out of trying to be nice. I didn't need my doctors permission to say goodbye to 'pretend' friendships, what I needed was to be shown that what I thought was friendships isn't really friendships at all. Because I know you, you know me does not make us friends. Closing a door on that chapter of my life. {And it feels AWESOME.}
I don't give my family enough credit. I don't give my family a chance to have a close relationship with me because of past hurts. We, as humans, grow every day and every year. We're not who we were a year ago even. I have clung on to past hurts and not cultivated family relationships because of that hurt. It's a new year. I have new tools, new knowledge and a new set of emotional eyes. I have apologies to make and I don't mind a bit to do it.
Many tears later I left the doctors office feeling light of heart and full of happiness. I couldn't wait to be in a quiet place to thank God for giving me the direction I needed to go, giving me an open heart and mind to hear what I needed to hear. I give Him all the thanks, the doc was just a helping hand.
I heart my life and those that are in it because they want to be in it.
{and I lost another pound!}
